I'll be the first person to say that I hate school. I hate school with a passion unrivaled by anything else in my life. I have never enjoyed having to sit for hours and be talked at while "learning" only to regurgitate the information on a test and forget it. In high school, I was absolutely dying to go to college, be FREE!!! No parents, no rules, no nothing! Well, I screwed myself on that front because I stayed at home and went to community college my freshman year.
I was gonna be a nurse! I went to class and my very first college class was an eight a.m. with a professor who was so ridiculous he couldn't even be bothered to show up for his OWN class. Seriously. So that was the first step in a pretty quick downward spiral. My second semester, I got a job and signed up for online courses. Poor. Life. Choice. I did terribly in online classes, though I was really good at my job, proofreading papers and tutoring students. It's really nothing against the school. I think Darton's a really great school. But I was hell-bent I was going to transfer, so I did.
Well, I make it sound easy but actually it was a stressful nightmare that drove me so crazy that I literally could not function. I eventually had to call my gynecologist and ask for SOMETHING to keep me from having panic attacks. I took small doses of xanax and lots of baby steps and moved away from home for the first time. To downtown Atlanta. To a school with 30,000 people. The unnamed "university" was hell on earth for me. No, I'm not good at being away from my family, but I was so incredibly depressed when I lived there that I considered dropping out on a regular basis.
My classes were reasonably sized, but held in old, broken-down classroom buildings and I had to trek through hobo-land every day to get there. The bus was a hit-or-miss phenomenon and if you were bettin' on gettin' on it, then you were bankin' on bein' late. PantherExpress my big behind. Don't even get me started on the people there! I'm a little bit judgmental, I know, but apart from a few really great people, the other students were an odd bunch of misfits who honestly just seemed pissed and confused as to how they wound up there. My classes werent awful. Except only three of my professors (of the eight or nine I had those two semesters) were actually professors. Typically, the classes are taught by grad. students, some of whom could be the most pretentious, pitiful excuses for teachers I have ever seen. One or two professors really made an impression and their classes were so good I ALMOST considered staying there. But then every day, looking out the window and seeing the wasteland of downtown Atlanta, even living in a high-rise dorm where even the two doors and a turnstile operated by your resident ID didn't make me feel safe, I decided for sure that I was done. May rolled around and I packed up my junk and went home. I made good grades. I'm glad for the experience. I have not been back to Atlanta since. And when I do go back, it damn sure won't be to visit that place.
So I transferred again! Yay! I came off the xanax that June, went to work at the newspaper, and readied myself for Valdosta. I've been here since last August and, honestly, my complaints are few and far between. Sure the place I live in could be nicer, but that's true of campus housing anywhere. I won't comment on how awful living with roommates is, because, honestly, you can make it work with just about anyone if you REALLY want to. The people here are an interesting mix, but sometimes the half-dressed, overly-made-up crowd gets a little wearing. In my upper-division classes it isn't as bad, but the few remaining core classes are pretty well filled with the ditzy, trampy, or else rude and dumb bunch. That's anywhere, though. Some of the people I've met here are so fun and funny and smart that I just can't believe it, sometimes. I've met some super people. My classes, mostly English and Foreign Language, are taught by REAL professors with REAL doctorates who are helpful and knowledgeable and fair. There are a few who are obnoxious, condescending, and unbearable. And by "a few", I mean one in particular, but that's neither here nor there. I'm doing well in all of my classes in my second semester here and there's very little I would change. I'm grateful every day that I left Atlanta for Valdosta. It's one of the best decisions I've ever made.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Skool iz fer nerdz.
I'm feeling a little random (and perhaps a little rant-y) today.
1) I've been reading up on the HOPE scholarship nonsense and, quite frankly, it makes me livid. I don't see how it's fair that the very, very top GPA students are guaranteed Hope, while anyone below that (arbitrary) number is pretty well screwed. They keep jacking up tuition with no real solutions as to how us po' folk gone pay for it. I'm also not sure why valedictorians and salutatorians are automatically granted scholarships. Maybe it was just at my high school, but our valedictorian only came to school half the time because she was "sick" (she was a friend of mine and I still have no idea what the hell was wrong with her). She wound up going out of state for college so that whole Zell Miller scholarship seems a little bit ridiculous considering that that "caliber" of student could just as easily have better out-of-state prospects. Also, GPA is no reflection on how good a student is. I've seen and heard tell of plenty of students who were 4.0 seniors and end up going to college for free and spending more time at the bars than in the classroom. (More on this in "College Sampler Tour" later :))
2) I am sick of self-righteous professors who assume that their students have had no previous experience in ANYTHING EVER. Just because I haven't taken your official "Intro" class doesn't mean I can't read for heaven's sake!
3) I love my school. I do. More than any other school I've been to. (Again, "College Sampler Tour" to come) But I am already tired of seeing butt cheeks and it isn't even May yet. I'm a big girl and everything, but I'd rather be a little warm than a lot nekkid, y'knowwhatuhmsayin'?
4) Today, I miss my old jobs a LOT. At Darton's Writing Center I had great coworkers and I loved the job. I loved the people who came in and my boss was fantastic. At the Herald, I got there before everybody else (usually) and spent part of the morning making coffee and sitting in my little cubicle. A silent newsroom is a rare and beautiful thing. My coworkers were a hot mess, but Vickie and Carlton will definitely be my lifelong friends and I'm grateful to know them both. Jim is a wonderful, wonderful boss and a kick in the ass when you really need it. Not to mention he's hilarious. (But don't tell him I said that-he already thinks he's too funny) Danny's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, as is Jennifer. Today I really miss the peace and quiet, but also the camaraderie. Not to mention the interviewing process. I met some people I just fell in love with on assignment and I MISS THAT!
5) In other news, I miss Will and Gabbin like it's going out of style. Sometimes I hate the fact that we've been so involved in their lives because that just means that they aren't being raised by their mom and dad like they oughta be. They deserve sooooo much better and I would raise them myself if I had the means. I swear to God I think I have the ability-I love them more than I ever thought I could love my...second cousins? Cousin's babies, so, yeah, second cousins. But they say it takes a village! Gav and Will have me (and Michael), mom, Lindsay and Matt, Meem and Pop, Vickie and David, Mary and Curtis, Miss Pat, their mom and dad (occasionally) and an entire cast of characters. I just hope it's not to their detriment to be raised like this. Time will tell. Gavin's my boy, but Will's had my heart wrapped around his little pinkie since I first laid eyes on him (We started keeping him some weekends when he was maybe a week old). I fed him, stayed up half the night with him, changed his diaper, rocked him to sleep every chance I got from then on. So, needless to say, I'm a sucker for the little punk. :) This beautiful little brown-eyed baby is three now and I tell you, every time he says "I luddou!" (Willspeak for "I love you"), I just melt. Sheeeeeeesh. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I get to thinking about him (and Gavin) and I'll lay awake and just wish and pray and hope that somehow they would miraculously be mine and that I could take care of them all the time like they deserve. I know it's crazy-don't judge. But if you were in my shoes, you'd understand. I feel like a parent after all this time, so it's frustrating sometimes to not be able to be that to them. But that's the lot they've been dealt, so all I can be is their aunt who loves them more than life itself and would do whatever it takes for them to be safe, happy, and healthy.
Oh jeez I'm a rambler today! Sorry!
"All he could think about was how I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell, I'm just a kid myself.
How'm I gonna raise one?
All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well...those plans are long gone.
[Chorus:]
And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life...
A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl.
Mama's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.
[Chorus:]
He smiles.....
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
'I love you, daddy. Good night.'
There goes my life."
-Kenny Chesney "There Goes My Life"
1) I've been reading up on the HOPE scholarship nonsense and, quite frankly, it makes me livid. I don't see how it's fair that the very, very top GPA students are guaranteed Hope, while anyone below that (arbitrary) number is pretty well screwed. They keep jacking up tuition with no real solutions as to how us po' folk gone pay for it. I'm also not sure why valedictorians and salutatorians are automatically granted scholarships. Maybe it was just at my high school, but our valedictorian only came to school half the time because she was "sick" (she was a friend of mine and I still have no idea what the hell was wrong with her). She wound up going out of state for college so that whole Zell Miller scholarship seems a little bit ridiculous considering that that "caliber" of student could just as easily have better out-of-state prospects. Also, GPA is no reflection on how good a student is. I've seen and heard tell of plenty of students who were 4.0 seniors and end up going to college for free and spending more time at the bars than in the classroom. (More on this in "College Sampler Tour" later :))
2) I am sick of self-righteous professors who assume that their students have had no previous experience in ANYTHING EVER. Just because I haven't taken your official "Intro" class doesn't mean I can't read for heaven's sake!
3) I love my school. I do. More than any other school I've been to. (Again, "College Sampler Tour" to come) But I am already tired of seeing butt cheeks and it isn't even May yet. I'm a big girl and everything, but I'd rather be a little warm than a lot nekkid, y'knowwhatuhmsayin'?
4) Today, I miss my old jobs a LOT. At Darton's Writing Center I had great coworkers and I loved the job. I loved the people who came in and my boss was fantastic. At the Herald, I got there before everybody else (usually) and spent part of the morning making coffee and sitting in my little cubicle. A silent newsroom is a rare and beautiful thing. My coworkers were a hot mess, but Vickie and Carlton will definitely be my lifelong friends and I'm grateful to know them both. Jim is a wonderful, wonderful boss and a kick in the ass when you really need it. Not to mention he's hilarious. (But don't tell him I said that-he already thinks he's too funny) Danny's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, as is Jennifer. Today I really miss the peace and quiet, but also the camaraderie. Not to mention the interviewing process. I met some people I just fell in love with on assignment and I MISS THAT!
5) In other news, I miss Will and Gabbin like it's going out of style. Sometimes I hate the fact that we've been so involved in their lives because that just means that they aren't being raised by their mom and dad like they oughta be. They deserve sooooo much better and I would raise them myself if I had the means. I swear to God I think I have the ability-I love them more than I ever thought I could love my...second cousins? Cousin's babies, so, yeah, second cousins. But they say it takes a village! Gav and Will have me (and Michael), mom, Lindsay and Matt, Meem and Pop, Vickie and David, Mary and Curtis, Miss Pat, their mom and dad (occasionally) and an entire cast of characters. I just hope it's not to their detriment to be raised like this. Time will tell. Gavin's my boy, but Will's had my heart wrapped around his little pinkie since I first laid eyes on him (We started keeping him some weekends when he was maybe a week old). I fed him, stayed up half the night with him, changed his diaper, rocked him to sleep every chance I got from then on. So, needless to say, I'm a sucker for the little punk. :) This beautiful little brown-eyed baby is three now and I tell you, every time he says "I luddou!" (Willspeak for "I love you"), I just melt. Sheeeeeeesh. Sometimes when I can't sleep, I get to thinking about him (and Gavin) and I'll lay awake and just wish and pray and hope that somehow they would miraculously be mine and that I could take care of them all the time like they deserve. I know it's crazy-don't judge. But if you were in my shoes, you'd understand. I feel like a parent after all this time, so it's frustrating sometimes to not be able to be that to them. But that's the lot they've been dealt, so all I can be is their aunt who loves them more than life itself and would do whatever it takes for them to be safe, happy, and healthy.
Oh jeez I'm a rambler today! Sorry!
"All he could think about was how I'm too young for this.
Got my whole life ahead.
Hell, I'm just a kid myself.
How'm I gonna raise one?
All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke.
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast.
Oh well...those plans are long gone.
[Chorus:]
And he said,
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
Might as well kiss it all good-bye.
There goes my life...
A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later.
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator.
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl.
Mama's waiting to tuck her in,
As she fumbles up those stairs.
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear.
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls.
[Chorus:]
He smiles.....
There goes my life.
There goes my future, my everything.
'I love you, daddy. Good night.'
There goes my life."
-Kenny Chesney "There Goes My Life"
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Shall we commence?
I've been on a weird Indie music kick lately and I'm SO not complaining. I've been so mellow and gearing up to really get back into writing (real, pen'n'ink writing!). I've got this half-formulated story floating in my brain lately and I am DYING to get it on paper but it's dragging feet all over my brain. I've been running off into my writing lately, half-cocked and not able to get anything out and that's frustrating. I want it to be good because I have this character concept on the tip of my tongue which I'm just completely in love with and I just can't make her real. I have, like, twelve different story lines shooting through my mind, all ending up being a little to close to home for me to comfortably call it fiction. But it's gotten to the point where sometimes I honestly can't think about anything else, BUT wanting to write this character's story. I'm almost melancholy anymore. It's a peaceful sort of melancholy, I suppose, but it won't translate to paper like I need it to. I want my writing to feel like a City and Colour song and I'm so pissed that I can't make it happen!!!! And the only thing that keeps me from obsessing over this story and falling into the insomnia that I've dealt with for years is going to sleep cuddling with Boyfriend. Maybe I never liked to sleep because I didn't like to wake up alone? I dunno. But tomorrow is a beautiful and busy day, so I guess I should go get my cuddle on!
"I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down
I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainties
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be that this misery will suffice?"
"I awoke, only to find my lungs empty
Through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I'm breaking down
I think I'm breaking down
And I'm afraid to sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainties
That I'll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I'm breaking down
Someone come, Someone come and save my life
Maybe I'll sleep when I am dead
But now its like the night is taking up sides
With all the worries that occupy the back of my mind
Could it be that this misery will suffice?"
-City and Colour
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